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"I'm crushing your head! Flathead!"
"We broke up a couple of months ago. I told a lot of other people, I just never got around to telling you. Sorry."
"If I was stranded on a desert island, and I could only have one person, one book, and one record with me, I'd probably die of exposure."
"So what weighs more: the Bible or a compilation copy of Gary Larson's Far Side cartoons?"
"I am tired. I am salty. I require silence."
Life is sad when you wear sweatpants and a raincoat."
" My mom died, and my dad to deal with the grief bought me a hamster, and I named it "Mum" and it died."
" Maybe it's my fault for never having named the dog. See, I had him for 3 years and I just couldn't think one up. The only name that suited him was: 'Small Mammal With Whom I Live a Lie'."
"I found no love in burning the bottom of my feet with Cigarellos. Just a certain amount of artistic satisfaction."
"No actually I'm Canadian. It's like an American but without a gun"
"Hey son! You know how you've been bugging me to go and get you a puppy? Well today after work, I went out and I bought you one but on the way home I got hungry and I ate it. I'm joking. I'd never buy you a puppy!"
"Wait a minute! You mean to tell me that you slept with a woman and now you're whining about it? You're not a bluesman, you're an idiot!"
"It's 'cause you're so brilliant you know. I wanna have your children. Let's build a spaceship and find our own planet. I mean it"
"Two stops after I got on, these two unbelievably short people got on, and by the way they were looking at me, I could tell...they wanted to bite my ankles."
"When I was born, my mother mistook the afterbirth as my twin. And the cuter one, too, apparently. As I was immediately sold to the cleaning woman for a stamp"
"I once shot a man just to watch him die, then I got distracted and missed it"
"Well I think our great leader is just some sort of twisted ass freak Oh, come on! I mean, we've been coming here for 50 years and performing anal probes and all that we have learned is that one in ten doesn't really seem to mind"
"I'm nutty bunny #1. I like to frolic in the sun"
I'm nutty bunny #2. I love me and I love you
I'm nutty bunny #3. The cutest bunny is always me!
"Hey, I'm a Canadian Street Pimp!"
"You don't want an architect, you want a butcher. Well screw you and screw your friend cuz I'm outta here!"
"Who controls the oil companies......Satan!"
"For I am second assistant manager of the ninth floor, in charge of requisitions and supplies, and I have gone mad with power!"
"Sir, I ascertain that it's their problem. They're just jealous of me. It's my right to ascertain things. You should talk to them about their being upset about my...ascertaination"
And my assistant, Kevin McDonald, is wearing this outfit for a cheap laugh
Don't ever use that language again, or I'll wash your mouth out with soup!
Well, isn't it a pleasure to meet you Derek....Oh, you're not bothering me. There's nothing I would rather do then sit here and chat with you....I'm not veing sarcastic. No!! This is just a little speech impediment. I can't help it....No, no, it's true. I've talked this way all my life....Wait. Where are you going? I really want to be your friend! I'm so lonely
All the girls want to know, who's the cutest boy on death row
Oh, I'm sorry if my death and rebirth story bored you. Perhaps if I had some tits in my story you would be more interested
We're not going to be tyrannized by our bladders!
I'm a whiner without dignity; I'll make your life hell
Yes, I am a man possessed by many demons...polite demons who would open the door for a lady carrying too many parcels, but demons none-the-less!
Dear Mark, I thought I was alone until I saw you on TV. Having no sex appeal must be hard for you too. I'm curious, how do you live? How do you love? Please work your answer into a monologue, as I don't want to sign my real name. Thanks. PS. Please don't kill yourself.
Don't you spell back at me young man!
People make fun of me because I lisp. Really...such a lot of fuss over a few extra S's!
Well it's funny that you should mention that...because it has recently come to my attention that...I...am not...hmm....GAY. I thought I was but I made a mistake. I'm sure I'm sorry. I guess I was in a hurry.
So they've taken gay away from us; what was wrong with pervert? You can't use the word faggot anymore either. It use to be a lovely bundle of sticks. On cold winters nights you threw another faggot on the fire.
NOTICE: For those of you who arent familiar with the kids in the halls brand of comedy you MAY be offended at their use of the words gay and faggot. I will assure you that they are NOT trying to offend anyone. Keep mind that most of the quotes containing those words are from Scott Thomson (an openly gay performer). If I have some how offended anyone by putting these quotes up I am sorry. They are VERY tongue in cheek and NOT meant to offend.
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